Finally I am back on track, I went off for a while there as you may have guessed and over that time I have managed to put on 2 kilos, which considering what I have eaten and drunk is pretty damn good.

I find I really have to be in "the zone" to do this, if my head is not in the right space then I simply will fail in my attempts, and of course every time I do fail, it puts me back into that bad head space again.

Today I feel good, today I am back to where I was a couple of months ago and am rearing to go. I woke this morning in this frame of mind and I recognised it straight away which is a good thing! I am starting to understand my body a bit more and I definitely go through a cycle, for about a week of every month I go through a phase of eating, all I want to do is eat, I crave food like you would not believe and dear god it is a struggle to fight it, I used to just give in and do it, but I am learning to get through it, fruit is a god send, instead of picking up chips, or biscuits or some other crap, I eat fruit, a lot of fruit admittedly but it is still better than what I used to do.

Anyway I went to my doctor today, and I have to say my doctor is such an inspiration, he used to be a massive man, he was very, very overweight, he has lost well over 100 kilos and  I did wonder if he had done it through surgery, today he told me he had done it on his own, he did weight watchers and he exercised, he said to start with walking halfway around the local park used to damn near kill him, now he runs 10kms for fun!! He said it was a constant battle he would do well then he would plateau, put weight on, get down about, and start again, it took him 3 1/2 years and he still struggles with it every day, but he did it, he got there, he told me if I lost 10 kilos then put on 5, not to worry I had still lost 5, not to worry about the gain just to focus on the loss, he was fantastic to talk to and definitely gave me a kick up the ass!

So onwards and upwards people. However I do want to point out that if I could just grow a few more feet none of this would be necessary

Wow, it has been over a month, a very, very busy month, I met my half brother which was truly awesome, he is almost as cool as me and I adore him, it was a truly wonderful experience and I am so pleased I got the opportunity to get to know him. However the alcohol consumed, the late nights and the crap food certainly did not help with the weight loss!!
Whilst he was here I also got to not only speak to my birth mother, but to see her on skype as well, which is really cool and one day this technophobe may just learn how to use skype myself!
Weight loss you say,  that is what this blog is about after all, meah we will discuss that one later!!
 The cakes are going really, really well, we have found a shop and fingers crossed this one pans out,but we shall see!
I would most like  to talk about a friend of mine, her husband died a year ago in truly tragic circumstances, and over this year I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know her, and her beautiful children! She doesn't like people telling her she is amazing as she says she is simply someone dealing with the hand the world has dealt her, but here she is wrong, very, very wrong in fact. It is not what she deals with that makes her  amazing, or how well she copes, it is quite simply who she is, she is a beautiful person with a lovely personality, a wicked sense of humour and a smile that lights up the room. And I am very grateful to be able to call her a friend!!
Anyhow, back to the weight, well it is still there, a little bit more than was there before but that is to be expected with the life I have led in the last month!! I am however trying very hard to get back on track, which is a little harder this time, I will however do it, as I quite simply do not want to be this fat person anymore

It has been a while!!

I have been so blimmin busy!! Not an excuse really, but I figure if I say I have been too busy to blog then people might think I lead an exciting life!!

So 8 kilos down now, things are going well, I am no longer struggling, though I will confess to having my largest point overload ever last weekend, I didn't even have that much but it goes to show how easy it is to overeat, and goes a long way to explaining how I got this way in the first place!! **whispers** I ate 97 points in one day!!
 The funniest thing about that is I just leaned right in to the keyboard to type **whispers** duh!!

Anyhow I will now let you know the actual numbers as disturbing as they may be - I started this journey at 148.4 kilos, tragic when your weight is only three digits off a phone number!! I am now sitting at 140.4 exactly so first goal is about to be achieved, which  is getting below 140, next step 130!!

Tonight I ate a crumpy burger which for those of you plebs that do not have the joy of living in west auckland, is the best takeaways in the history of the world. Dear god their burgers are like slices of heaven. I feel a little sad that now I can barely get through a burger, don't get me wrong I got through it, there is no way in hell I am leaving one of those puppies on my  plate! However I can no longer finish my meal with a giant cheese and onion ball or even a couple of chips - What have I become???

I wonder sometimes why we let the people in our lives that we adore go. Years ago I had a very dear friend, a man who I absolutely adored and was very special to me, I remember having a conversation with him about what he was going to wear as my bridesmaid!! I caught up with him today, it is the second time in recent weeks, and I find myself thinking why did I allow him to leave my life for so long??
I moved away at the height of our friendship, and he started a relationship with a woman who was to end up his wife. When I came back everything was different I disliked his new woman rather a lot, I met my first husband and our friendship pretty much just got pushed aside in favour of partners.
Recently we have gotten back in touch thanks in part to facebook, he has left the witch and is with the most amazing woman who really has his back,  and all of a sudden he is back and I still adore him, sitting here thinking about it, I find it sad that we do this, that friends who have played huge roles in our lives suddenly take a back seat to our partners and along the way just get lost in the whirlwind.

Anyhow enough deep and meaningfuls, I am better, cravings gone, I survived!!! Bring it on again you tempting food bitches, I am better than you and I totally kicked your fat causing ass!!!

Today I have made a decision, today I decided I am no longer doing the shop, I am going to rent a commercial kitchen on an hourly basis am going to spend money on a wicked website and run my business on the internet. I just cannot bring myself to spend the money, it is simply too much and too big a risk to take.
I love that my husband has such complete faith in me and is willing to risk everything, but I just simply do not have the same faith, not yet anyway. I am giving myself 6 months to build it up enough to justify a shop, and I have to say this decision has lifted a great weight off my shoulders so I know it is the right one!!

Still struggling, quite badly in fact!!! I am still okay however, even went through mcdonalds drive through today and resisted, though I  have to admit the temptation to lick the leftovers off my childrens face was almost intolerable!! In fact the smallest one was almost completely edible!
I scrubbed out their carseats and had to physically stop myself eating the leftover chips in the bottom of them!
I am not sure what is causing this, but I wish it would go away, I am just thankful that fruit is free points so I have something I can eat to kill the cravings.
I am constantly hungry and nothing I eat is fixing it arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

So today I am struggling, yesturday I spent the afternoon selling cupcakes, ironically most of them were made by my competition!! I then had friends over for dinner and ended up eating too much and today I am struggling to not do it again!
On a good note I donated a cake to the auction (fundraising for chch) and it sold for $110 which is awesome, even awesomer is that it was the deputy mayor of Auckland who bought it, who then met me and thanked me in person!!
So those of you out west get your butts down to the falls restaurant, they do awesome food and are well worth a visit they put on a fantastic day yesturday.
Tomorrow is another day I will be feeling better then and food simply will not be an issue 

It has been a while!!

I am doing really well still, weight watchers rocks it is so blimmin easy!!
Today I had a colonoscan, it was fantastic, amazing, brilliant!!! Why?? Because it was not a colonoscopy!!!! You have no idea how excited I was when I discovered that, the difference you may ask??

The difference is really quite simple - one is an enormous 10foot long, six foot wide tube with a lifesize video camera on the end that is unceremoniously inserted in a place that should never ever have things inserted in it.

The other - a tiny eensy, weensy barely visible to the naked eye tube that although it goes in the same place you would not know of it's existence if they did not tell you it was there. They fill your bowel up with carbon dioxide which although uncomfortable is very tolerable, they shove you through a ct scan and all is done!

God bless that beautiful doctor that decided I needed the latter!!

I have to say the cleaning out process the day  before was not too terrible either - I was so tempted to do a weigh in this morning cause I reckon I lost at least 10 kilos during the night!!

Enough about my backside and on to the more pleasurable things in life - the other day I ate a deluxe cheeseburger and dear god it was like a little slice of heaven, how I miss those things, not having them everyday is really hard to bare, but that is my first and saviour it I did! I also drunk a woodie today, once again a first! And pretty much the same reaction as the cheeseburger, it  was so damn good, I figured I could justify one since I ate nothing at all yesturday!!!

I am super duper excited, my brother is coming to New Zealand!!! I am adopted and my birth mother and family live in Canada so this will be the first time we have met in person and I can't wait!!  I have to say I do love facebook because without it I would never have had the opportunity to get to know him and my sister, so it does have it's good points!

Weigh in tomorrow!!!!

Crap!!! Hope it goes well! I particularly like the fact that for the last three nights I have had to make up my points with vodka - god diets rock!
I don't know if I have lost weight on the scales or not, but my stomach is definitely going down, sadly I seem to be having the same issues with my boobs! I realised last night that they were definitely heading south, I thought I was doing pretty well for an almost 40 year old, they were still reasonably perky!  Turns out however that, that simply is not the case, they were still holding up okay because they were resting on top of my stomach!
So now the question is - what is more important??? Perky boobs or a flat stomach, god the decisions I sometimes have to make!

We did it!!! We joined weight watchers!!!
I am down 3.5 kilos, so that is a good start!!
I am allowed 48 points a day which is a shite load of food and I don't know if I will even be able to eat that much but I will certainly give it my best shot lol!!
If all else fails a woodie is 11 points so a couple of them and I will be all good
Gotta say the new weight watchers is fantastic, so simple to choose your food I actually looking forward to it!!

Today is the day I have decided to no longer wear pants!!! I hate pants they annoy me, so I have taken them off!
Hubby seems to be slightly concerned about the neighbours, but you know what, they would be lucky to catch a glimpse of this fine ass. I also dislike underpants quite a lot but figure I will let the neighbours get used to the pantlessness before I go the whole hog!!
Weight??? Well I think we should discuss that another day when I have not just finished my second helping of dinner and am not finishing my third bourbon!! On a positive note it is not woodies but the real stuff with coke zero!!! See I am commited!
I have to mention the earthquake because it is so bloody tragic, I lived in that beautiful city for 5 years and have a lot of happy memories, sadly only of the city not the dickhead I lived there with!
It is so sad to see all those beautiful buildings destroyed and the lives and homes of so many what a tragic waste!!

God this could take for ever, I have no space bar or n so am using the on screen keyboard and it is so slow,
I know how turtles feel!!!

Speaking of turtles, that bought back memories of my turtles, I had two they were a gift from a boyfriend they were seriously cool and we literally used to spend hours watching them and having very, deep, meaningful discussions, whilst under the influence of various substances, about the cool lives they must have!! I spent time living in thames okay!! There was nothing to do but get stoned and go to the pub!

This morning I happened to glance down only to discover my stomach no longer sticks out further than my boobs!! Truly stoked, it has been a while since that happened!!

Still haven't weighed myself, it just seems to hard!!!
Not only am I cleaning out my body, but I am cleaning out my house, the bedroom end of the house is complete, I defy you to find dirt or mess down there!! Okay so I cleaned out my wardrobe, holy shit you should have seen it, there have been no clothes in my wardrobe for the last year, because they simply could not fit, the crap was piled up to the roof and that is no exaggeration!! Now there are clothes hanging in there and two baskets on the floor and that is it, those that have seen my wardrobe will fully understand the effort that was put into cleaning it out. Charlies room also is done and yes her wardrobe too, Tristans wardrobe is full of Hayleys crap and I figure at 13 she is old enough to clean it our herself, so that is the only wardrobe still incomplete!!
I am now looking into ways to fully lock off the end of the house so the children can only go there to sleep, cause I am so not doing that again!
I am currently on the kitchen and it is starting to make some sense, at least all the fly shit is gone, god how I hate fly shit!
The problem was we moved into this house when tristan was 6 weeks old and at the time it was just too hard, so everything just got shoved wherever I could find space, this has been a long time coming.
As for the weight loss, I am still being good, am starting to really enjoy wraps for lunch and my muesli and yoghurt for breakfast.
I have discovered mammoth yoghurt, dear god that is some good food, it is full of grains and seeds and all that good stuff, you don't need to put it on muesli you just eat it as it is, it tastes divine and has the added bonus of being good for you.
I am however missing deluxe cheeseburgers, I love those things, I used to find an excuse far too regularly to pop down the road and get a couple. I am at the stage where I would almost swap one of my children for one!! In fact some days I would swap both of them for one!!!

Well I am going to weigh myself this week, so that will be interesting!!

I have been good but very tired this week, just completely lacking in energy, I think it may be the withdrawals from the woodies!! Though I will confess to having drunk two this week!!

I seem to have a bit of a fetish for exclamation marks at the moment, they just seem so useable and appropriate for everything, I love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I have been pretty good, still haven't joined weight watchers, why?? You ask, I could say I have been busy, the kids have been sick, all true, however not the reason I didn't go, I just could not be bothered, it just seemed too hard at the time, I will get there one day!

Now some of you may be seeing a bit of a pattern emerging here, yes I procrastinate, I procrastinate really badly, I am the kind of person that will start decorating a cake 11pm the night before it is due to be picked up. I will get it done and I will get it done well, it just seems that I am the type of person that works best under pressure, give me four days to do a cake, I will simply piss around for four days and do it at the last minute!!

So anyway I am having a rather crappy, lazy week and my motivation has completely left me, it is one of those weeks where I really want to sit down with a number of bowls of chips and dip and just eat for the sake of it, but I haven't and I won't, that person is gone, she no longer lives here, she has taken her fat ass and sashayed on out of here.

I will confess to a few slices of hell pizza last night, but that really is about where my confession ends I have been pretty good, it is a long slow road I am going down and at the moment I feel like I am on my bmx trying to ride up the steepest hill, one step forward and none back is what I am aiming for so wish me luck!!

I am back!!!

What a week!!! My computer died! I thought giving up woodies was going to be hard, jesus they are nothing compared to no computer!! I felt like I had lost my best friend, and a limb.

The lovely vanessa has lent me hers whilst she plays netball so I am starting to feel human again lol!
It is quite sad actually that so much of my life revolves around my computer, simple things like we don't have a phone book, we don't need one we just look people up on here, if I want info on things I google it. We went for a train ride yesturday and I couldn't even look up the number for the trains, let alone google timetables, we just turned up at the station and hoped we would get it right!!
I will admit after four days I am starting to go back to the old way of communicating, I actually ring and text my friends, hell I even went and visited some, shock horror!! When on earth did the cyber world become my social life??

Anyhow back to the subject - yes I am still fat, perhaps not as fat as I was this time last week, but still fat nonetheless, I am actually feeling quite good despite the tummy bug that has just decimated our family this week! I am really starting to enjoy eating healthily, it really isn't that hard.
After I spent a week in hospital earlier this year, I came home with a whole new attitude and a whole new lifestyle, for nearly 4 months I ate healthy and really looked after myself, somehow I let that slide, I am not sure why, I just did, but I am back, and determined to be healthy.

We are planning an overseas holiday christmas this year and at the moment I don't think my ass would actually fit in an aeroplane seat, so my first goal is to lose enough weight to fit comfortably in one!  I am determined to not focus on the scales but more on my size so will not be weighing myself for a few weeks. However my sister in law has convinced me to join weight watchers with her so i guess I cannot avoid the dreaded scales there!!!

God what a day!!! Last night I ventured out with the ever lovely nicola lee and a number of others for her hen's night! We had a beautiful meal at sawadee restaurant and numerous bottles of wine, then we hit the bars!! Okay two of them, cause we just did not have the energy to do more, it brought back fantastic memories of clubbing days, nothing quite like hot sweaty people all dancing in close proximity to each other - love it!!

We all cruised home around 1sh, it just seemed so strange to be leaving town before the sun came up! It is nice to feel like a teenager again even if my body doesn't agree with me!! I was just so glad I did not run into my teenage son, he would have been mortified to see his old mother hitting the same bars as him!!!

So I get home, starting to feel a little seedy, thought god I must have drunk more than I thought!! I went to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later with the most god awful stomach cramps, I raced to the toilet and christened that porcelain bowl like I never have before, I won't even go there with what else happened suffice to say by the time I had finished there was nothing left in my stomach!!

The funniest thing was Chris standing at the toilet door "I'll (dry retch) clean (dry retch) it up (dry retch)" Now that is the sign of true love lol!!! Needless to say as cruel as I am to him, and as tempted as I was, I did it myself!!

So I spent the entire sunday in bed and I mean the entire day, my darling husband cleaned up, looked after my darling broken boy who also spent the day vomiting, drove Hayley to the bus, fed and watered everyone whilst I simply  lay there sleeping it off!

I finally arose around 9.30pm thinking jesus I need to get some stamina!!!

Please ignore last post

For a copy of my diet, please enclose $39.95 in a stamped, self addressed envelope and I will send my revelations to you!!!
But wait there's more I will also enclose a copy of my Jim Beam diet!!
But wait there is more for only an extra $9.95 I will also put in a copy of my eat all the worms you can and still lose weight diet!!

Diet Revelation

So i was challenged the other day to come up with a woodstock diet, so I can keep my one true love in my life permanently!
After a couple of bourbons and with the help of a number of nameless friends Tawa, Dakota, Kadin and Hayley, I also must mention Man vs Wild because without him we would not have come up with this inspirational, multi million dollar idea
What we learned courtesy of Man vs Wild, is when you are cold and wet you burn twice as many calories as normal, so bearing this in mind, here is my new diet!!
So we have 24 hours in a day to be realistic I need to sleep 8 of them,
Calories burned whilst sleeping  8 hours 84 calories = 672
To live I also have to eat, so I can now consume as much as I like of celery, cucumber, sprouts and lettuce
Calories burned 0
Now for the real work, sitting in a spa pool full of ice and water (which has the extra bonus of keeping woodies cold)
4 hours @168 calories = 672
Using an exercycle whist sitting in said spa pool for 1 hour at the beginning and one hour at the end
2 hours - 864 calories
The rest of the time I will be sitting, perhaps reading, perhaps watching tv but nothing more energetic than that
10 hours @84 calories = 840
So in total I will be burning 3048 calories  per day
Each woodie contains 220 calories, 
To maintain weight you must drink no more than 13.9 woodies per day
To lose weight, cut down to 10!!!

















.

Day one!!

So I went today, I got weighed, turns out it is official I AM FAT, Really fuckin fat in fact, Jesus christ!!! I swear that bugger had his foot on the back of my scales!!
So I am going to disappoint my wee low carb man a little as I am not going to not eat carbs, it is just not something I can stick to forever and I need to stick to this, it just can't be that hard or  I simply will not sustain it, I just like carbs! So I am going to allow myself a wrap for lunch, that is all, no other carbs!!

Our house is going to be a nightmare for the next few weeks, not only am I giving up the thing I love most in the world, food!! My darling, sweet, lovely, even tempered husband is giving up his love, cigarettes!! He has been cutting down for the last month and yesturday attempted to go all day without a cigarette, weeeelllll, without cigarettes, jesus he is a bastard! I got yelled at for putting the roast in the wrong dish, buying the wrong type of kumara, the wrong type of pumpkin and the wrong type of potato. I figure if I have the will power to not punch him in the face, I have the will power to stick to this diet!!

So after he had succumbed to a cigarette and I had skulled two bottles of wine, peace was once again restored to our home. Can I just suggest to those of you that tend to just drop in and say hi, DON'T!! Just stay the hell away or you may become embroiled in one of our many pathetic, pointless arguments, and trust me they are many!!

Weeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll

Dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum!! **Whistles**
**Looks up, looks down, looks at woody and chooses not to post today**

Last day of freedom!!

God seriously!! the one day I need to be a pig and get all of my fav things in me, I just don't feel like eating, what the hell is with that?? I have had last nights left overs for lunch and that is it!!
Though I did go and buy some woodies, oh how I am going to miss them!!! You know it does not matter where I am, what I do, alone or with friends, my woodies have always been there with me, yes there have been times when I have let them down, when I have chosen others over them, but it does not seem to matter how many times I cheat on them, they always welcome me back with open arms!! We are going to have a little chat later tonight when the box is finished and I will explain carefully to them why this is necessary and that we may not ever be able to prop each other up again!!
Talking about my woodies just reminds me of one rather drunken evening when a couple of friends whom I will not name Karen and Tawa, we got a life size cardboard cutout of the Jim Beam girl and took her out for a night on the tiles, we named her destiny cause we thought it suited her, with her tiny red leather bikini and her hot body she scored us some boys that night!!! In fact the three of us got to know her really well and were very sad as her body started to deteriorate throughout the night!! See these skinny chicks just do not have the stamina we have!
Destiny scored us a lot of free drinks and even prompted some table dancing at the good old loaded hog - oh how we miss her still!!!
Anyway I procrastinate, I have spent far too much time away from my beloved woodies!!!

Okay, well here I go, normally I am a very private person, but lately I have discovered I am fat!! Not just fat but really, really fat. I can no longer blame the shops for put magnifying windows in there stores, the camera simply does not lie and some bastard managed to catch me on one.
I looked at the photo and thought - jesus, shoot me if I ever get that fat, sadly though it was me and I don't own a gun so I guess the next best thing is a diet.
Just so you are all aware, I am not fat because I have something wrong with me, there are no medical issues, there is nothing I can blame it on, I quite simply adore food, not certain foods, not just sweet foods, or savoury foods, any type of food, any type at all, god just writing about it makes me want some!!
So bearing in mind my love of food, dieting for me is like cutting off a limb, actually not just one limb!!
Being that I am now "that fat person" the one that in the past I would have avoided making eye contact with, my love of food is no longer a luxury I can afford, because as the saying goes I love my children more than food and I want to be here to see them grow up.
So wednesday morning I am off to see the lovely Wetex Kang to do the dreaded weigh in thing, I have no idea how fat I am, I have not weighed myself since before I got pregnant with my son!
Of course tomorrow I will do the last day before the diet compulsory pig out, so wish me luck with that!!